...and then this morning I found a profusion of roses bloomed in the garden... like trying to tell me "yes, look at the beauty... there is ugliness, and pain, and despair, but still the roses will bloom and beauty will be around you".
Thursday, May 8, 2014
May in Oklahoma
We had yesterday one of the Oklahoma storms that keep you on your toes for hours... with rotation and wall clouds dropping down then getting sucked up again.
...and then this morning I found a profusion of roses bloomed in the garden... like trying to tell me "yes, look at the beauty... there is ugliness, and pain, and despair, but still the roses will bloom and beauty will be around you".
...and then this morning I found a profusion of roses bloomed in the garden... like trying to tell me "yes, look at the beauty... there is ugliness, and pain, and despair, but still the roses will bloom and beauty will be around you".
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
It's been almost a year
.. since I have last blogged. I think I said before, I am really bad about putting down in writing my thoughts. The reasons are several: I'm coming from a secretive spiritual tradition, in which we don't put much in writing because people who aren't supposed to have that specific knowledge might read; and because I was never truly comfortable to open myself to others. Most of the time, because those others wouldn't understand my thoughts. A few times because when I opened up, what I talked about was used against me. So, yeah, quite important reasons.
Anyway. Many things have happened.
My Father died.
My beloved, after treating me badly for months, declared he didn't want to be together anymore. What followed was a wave of him treating me absolutely horrible, refusing to buy even food for me, at a time when I had not a penny. The only thing was that he loaned me the money to go to Romania to at least be there for my father's 6 weeks remembrance rites. I couldn't go for the funeral, all of North America was under ice.
And then once I got there, I discovered that my own mother has lied to me for years. That she had donated all their wealth to my sister (still living in Romania) and that when I was battling cancer she was busy fixing all necessary paperwork to make sure my sister gets everything. And then turning around and asking me for money because "she didn't have money to pay even the utility bills".
Then they finally approved my disability claim. But they didn't approve the SSI. So I am supposed to live on $255 a month. How exactly I don't know, considering the SSI also determines eligibility for Medicaid, so no SSI no Medicaid; that means I won't be able to go to the doctors ir buy my medication.
To top it all, my car, that J. has messed up last year when he let it run overnight and - he says - blew a head gasket, and he doesn't want to fix it because "it's a 17 years old car and he won't waste his time on it". So I can't go anywhere. I can't go apply for food stamps. I can't go appeal the SSI denial decision.
Why the fuck am I still alive?
Anyway. Many things have happened.
My Father died.
My beloved, after treating me badly for months, declared he didn't want to be together anymore. What followed was a wave of him treating me absolutely horrible, refusing to buy even food for me, at a time when I had not a penny. The only thing was that he loaned me the money to go to Romania to at least be there for my father's 6 weeks remembrance rites. I couldn't go for the funeral, all of North America was under ice.
And then once I got there, I discovered that my own mother has lied to me for years. That she had donated all their wealth to my sister (still living in Romania) and that when I was battling cancer she was busy fixing all necessary paperwork to make sure my sister gets everything. And then turning around and asking me for money because "she didn't have money to pay even the utility bills".
Then they finally approved my disability claim. But they didn't approve the SSI. So I am supposed to live on $255 a month. How exactly I don't know, considering the SSI also determines eligibility for Medicaid, so no SSI no Medicaid; that means I won't be able to go to the doctors ir buy my medication.
To top it all, my car, that J. has messed up last year when he let it run overnight and - he says - blew a head gasket, and he doesn't want to fix it because "it's a 17 years old car and he won't waste his time on it". So I can't go anywhere. I can't go apply for food stamps. I can't go appeal the SSI denial decision.
Why the fuck am I still alive?
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